“Who is trusted to have a child?”, Modern Love, The New York Times, Daniel Lam
Raw, beautiful, heartbreaking.
“One of the reasons I didn’t come out as gay until I was 27 was that I didn’t want to give up the idea of having a wife. At 33, I have learned to let that go, the faceless woman I’ve carried around in my mind for so long. I recognize her now as an embodiment of everything I was at risk of losing if I ever let my secret slip: a traditional marriage and family, including the notion of fatherhood, or at least how I was taught to perceive it — schoolyard logic that’s been seared into my mind in which there can’t exist a father without a mother, or a mother without a father, or a child without either of them.”
“It has been harder for me to want to have children since becoming a pediatrician. Admittedly, my perspective is skewed. I have been trained to expect bronchiolitis at every corner, pneumonia and sepsis a constant threat. I have seen skin broken too many times for chest tubes, burr holes, wound packing and nerve blocks, pudgy arms and legs poked for blood draws, fluids and antibiotics.
My niece and nephew are toddlers, both unstoppable, and it’s always an adjustment when I see them, how little they need me, how capable they are, how fragile they aren’t.
Especially after starting my fellowship in pediatric emergency medicine, experience has taught me to anticipate disaster. There’s a running joke among my colleagues that takes the form of a growing list of all the things we’ll never let our children do: eating uncut grapes or hot dogs, riding ATVs and visiting a trampoline park.
It’s a joke because we take it to an unfathomable extreme, each item laughable only when it is far enough removed from the tragedy it came from, the lesson learned too late that nothing — no one — is ever truly ours.”